Talk to the Snail

Asagidaki maddeler 12 yildir Paris’de yasayan Ingiliz Stephen Clarke’in 2006 yilinda yayinladigi kitabindan alintidir yani benim düsüncelerimi yansitmamaktadir.

 

Things that the French are right about:

  • An adulterous politician is probably no more corrupt than a monogamous one.
  • Just because a man compliments a woman, it doesn’t mean that he is planning to rape her.
  • Getting out of Vietnam in 1954 was a pretty good idea.
  • Invading Iraq was not such a good idea.
  • If a country’s schoolkids are taught mathematics to good level, its technology industries will never lack qualified engineers.
  • Children do not die if they stop eating French fries for a week.
  • Spa holidays should be available as state-subsidized medical treatment.
  • If you have a regular office job, there is no point working on Friday afternoons.
  • Putting foreign words on menus does not make the food taste better.
  • If you invest money in railways, they are more efficient.
  • All you need in salad dressing is olive oil; vinegar, mustard and salt. Anything else is window dressing, not salad dressing.
  • If the French ignore a European law , no one will be able to force them to obey it.

 

Things that the French are wrong about:

(though it is not wise to tell them so)

  • The more you boast about sex, the better you are at it.
  • Everyone just adores passive smoking.
  • Pétanque is a sport.
  • Motorway bridges are so beautiful that they must be celebrated on picture postcards.
  • The Earth does not revolve around the Sun – it revolves around Paris.
  • Benny Hill represents  the cutting edge of British comedy.
  • The words to a song are so important that you don’t need a tune.
  • Supertramp are ( or were ever) hip.
  • If you push in front of someone in a queue, they will respect you more.
  • All films should be about director’s love life. (This is why they love Woody Allen so much.)
  • It is fun to eat calf’s brain and pig’s anus.
  • Vegetarians cannot have sex.
  • Many customers do not actually want to be served.
  • Nuclear power is totally unpolluting.
  • Johnny Hallyday is world-famous (he’s an aging rocker, by the way).
  • Serge Gainsbourg was sexy. (He was a chain-smoking drunk, toad-faced physical wreck. Their best-ever songwriter, though.)
  • The louder you laugh at your own joke, the funnuer it is.
  • France invented French fries. (The whole of the rest of the world accepts that it was either the Belgians or the British.)
  • A word does not exist unless it’s in the dictionary.
  • When there is fog on the motorway, it is safest to drive as fast as you can and get out of the low-visibility zone as quickly as possible.
  • Red traffic lights do not always know best about the need to stop.
  • Designated flood zones do not flood and are therefore safe to build on.
  • You can cure anything by inserting the relevant medicine up your back passage.
  • All Americans care enough about France to know where it is on a map of the world.
  • All British people are polite.

Quoted from the book of British writer Stephen Clarke.

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